Judge Your Date According to Their Fave Song

by Sean Frederlen

“Old Town Road” - Lil Nas X

If they like Old Town Road, they probably use the TikTok app. They’re fifteen. Run.

“Hot Girl Summer” - Megan Thee Stallion

They like this song? Bad news—they’re hotter than you. Lock yourself in your bathroom until they go home.

“Clair de Lune” - Debussy

If they claim Clair de Lune is their favorite classical work, then you know you’ve got a basic beyotch. Get out of the house and get some Pumpkin Spice and go apple picking and call both of your mothers.

Symphony No. 1, Ludwig von Beethoven

If they can even identify this symphony, they listen to a lot of NPR. A. Lot. Of. NPR.

They have many thick, quality sweaters that you may borrow any time.  

“Peace Piece” - Bill Evans

If they’re down with Bill Evans, they’ve undoubtably smoked LSD before, but only once. Their glasses have clear rims.

“I Will Survive” - Gloria Gaynor

If they like this song, they have at least a passable amount of self-esteem.

If they know all of the lyrics, they have tarot cards.

“The Shape of You” - Ed Sheeran

Prepare yourself to sustain eye contact for the entire hour that you make love.

“Bad Guy” - Billie Ellish

You’re going to wake up and all of your clove cigarettes and your jar of change will have been stolen.

“Truth Hurts” - Lizzo

They just got out of a BAD relationship, and YOU’RE the rebound person. This can be really bad or really good, depending on how you feel about being ghosted by someone who cried on your shoulder last week.

“Parklife” - Blur

They have good coffee pourover technique. There won’t be a single speck of bean in your coffee cup. They’ll want to narrate the entire process.

“The Party Line” - Belle and Sebastian

They’re a superdork, but at least they’ve been to Europe before. 

“Let’s Get It On” - Marvin Gaye

The sex will be terrible.